a pursuit of happYness

It is not unusual to watch a movie and get a hangover from it which is sometimes too hard to shake off, specially when you know what you saw was not just fiction but pure fact, black and white(well.. with few shades of gray maybe). So much so... that i decided to rethink the description of my blog because i really felt that way. Watch Will Smith portray the true struggle in the life of Chris Gardner in the "pursuit of happyness" and you might end up relating to my thoughts.

Most of us seem to be standing at a place in our lives where we feel(or at least claim) we are not actually meant to be. When was the last time you heard your colleague/friend say, "i am so happy with my job/work" etc.. We 25 somethings, techie graduates, walking away with a faithfully replenishing salary account, have got this common thread running through which unites us in company....at times over lunch... at times sipping coffee.... at others gulping down cans of beers and small pegs of vodka....mourning the hike letters.... !!! This common thread i would like to christen...."a notion of unhappYness".

Yes, i believe its just a notion, and we aren't really unhappy. How can we be unhappy? What pain have we ever experienced in life? Just the other day when a friend of mine remarked that i should drive faster since he is very hungry, and he can't wait, i retorted....asking if he could explain me what hunger is?? I really haven't so much in my recent memory(or perhaps ever) felt like that.. to be easily able to recall. Truly...what is it...?? Do you start having some abdominal spasms, or nauseating experiences??? And please..... i don't want you to be talking about the other day when you dint eat for one full day. That is NOT hunger..!! Like this is NOT unhappYness. Hunger is what farmers in the villages of Andhra Pradesh, Karnataka, and so many other states would have felt...not once...not twice....but over and over again with such a huge prospect of recurrence in the future..that they decided to end it all with their own lives. Hunger is what perhaps bhagat singh and his friends(for lack of some other immediately striking examples) would have felt, when they decided to starve themselves for 19 days in a jail with endless miseries on their heads(also add thirst to the experience). Can we not once awaken to the fact that there are no real miseries in our lives and just the notions of them.

This same fact was rubbed in to me in with the story of a real man, not far away in dreams and ambitions from you and me, but much far ahead in perseverance, and efforts. I wondered what drove him? What was it that made him so determined? My determination couldn't even make me jog for 5 continuous day's..

And i could only explain myself, that it was because i never needed to be. Life has just slipped by peacefully and conveniently, with our parents (and even teachers) assuring us all the peace of mind and luxuries they could afford. We hardly ever struggled for anything. Once again i reiterate(n i am sure u agree) that staying up all nights for an exam is no struggle...neither is having to miss few treats/night outs due to your Dad's difference of opinion...!!! My definition of struggle will be....having to endure physical pain....lack of food, shelter, education, clothing maybe.... somethings that cannot be turned around immediately by changing the frame of your mind. REST ALL ARE JUST PETTY ISSUES..which can be dealt with inside of your head.

If there was someway i could drag myself out of this convenience of life, out of this "COMFORT ZONE"...to find myself struggling in the true sense of the word, i could perhaps be a much more determined man, with a zeal to be really able to achieve the things i dream of ...hopelessly today...!! Would my shoes ever pinch me enough to feel the joy of getting out of them???

One thing is for sure, this "notion of unhappYness" is not taking me anywhere..!!!

As u gain so shall u loose

As it is obvious, i come here, rarely enough, and only when i am too perturbed, more cos of the churning inside my mind rather than anybody or anything.

Tomorrow is christmas, and my company has brought to the campus a huge group of children whom the company sponsor's. I happened to notice them on my way back from the gym, after an abridged workout and a relaxing shower. They are so many of them, i had to ask more than one and confirm ..."dont tell me all these kids are orphans". But what i dint want to hear was true. It was not something very depressing, because all of them were excited, and joy was beaming from all of their faces.

The most disturbing fact to me was the joy i saw on there faces. Some very cute innocent faces, with the sense of achievement no less than that of landing on moon reflecting on there faces everytime they managed to bring a lemon held in the spoon to the finish line, or winthe tug of war...

No its not like i am some saddist who doesnt like the joy in their life. It was just a feeling so small....so weak... and so shaking, that i could not stand there any longer and had to decide to leave. What have they got ?? No parents !! few donated, thrown away clothes, and the company of 100 other like themselves. No one to guide, no one to take care, no one to look up to. Yet they carry on their lives daily with a hopes and aspirations so visible on there faces, and from their attitude. If only we were so strong. We have our lives in total control, having reached a status where we can all live with due self respect, support ourselves and others... but we still CRIB...!! we keep complainining. I am sad because i could have got a little more salary, because my dad doesnt think the same way as i do. because my girlfriend always fights with me, because........... i have got everything in this world. How long will this be our story. I manage to make myself more sad. I am loosing bigtime. With all that i have got, i do not deserve to waste my life worrying about all that i have not.

I think its time i did somthing about someone who has nothing. Whose life really needs attention. Nothing much has been done by me ever since the last time i felt so strongly(i:e..since my previous blog...). But hope is alive, that someday i will make my life more meaningful, and gain everything i can from whatever i have gained.

Realization of a lifetime.....!! Alas...lasting only a night

That I have to write this, in itself is a big irony, which prompted me even more to write. It is an agitation of the mind that recursively grows stronger and prompts me (at times many of us) to go to this stage(at least) of introspection. However always lacks that little more conviction and force that would actually make us come out of this vicious circle and actually DO something.

I mean look at us…let me not generalize (though I still hold the view about a majority) but at least I am not really happy with the way I have been driving myself on the fuel of mortal pleasures…which have just taken over the real purpose of life. Which I should be very well aware I will crave for, sooner or later…and realize that I could have done much more and much earlier... had I not been so outrageously blinded by the money, masti and ‘aish’ of life. I don’t imply I am an overindulgent person. I am a student and I do my so called karma perfectly. Getting good grades, gaining and imparting knowledge, etc. I work to achieve results. I am certainly an essential though minuscule fragment of this ecosystem that is a self sustaining playground of (again unfortunately) a game who’s goal is only to increase our pleasures… our “STATUS OF LIVING” and joys of life…which at some point of time are going to become pseudo and cloy us. We could all argue that we contribute….. my software runs so many websites which generate so many jobs and Blah Blah. But are we not becoming too concerned about saving a little more for a few square yards bigger balcony in our dream house or for additional power windows in the back doors for our first car… and putting in all the extra effort that takes us to that level where we can afford all this without even having to save….so that we can spend all that extra money on daily pleasures like visiting our favorite restaurant. Or going to a cinema hall to watch every major release of the season!! And many of us are very complacent with the thought that we are contented men and women not too greedy about these things, so we won’t even put that extra effort.

I mean I would really feel less terrible if most of them who read this end up pitying me that I am that one self indulgent guy who is finally realizing what needs to be done. Because that would mean that I am the only idiot who needs to really rectify himself. But the bad part is that ALL of us are caught in this web of life which takes us away from its real purpose. Bad because there is no one even to set an example. Stories and newspaper clippings are meant to be read and forgotten. I mean without being overly hysterical or philosophical… how many of us in pursuing our education have any near future dreams of making the world a better place to live? Or putting it in a little less pompous manner…how many of us really are driven by the desire of doing anything ‘GOOD’ as we have been learning since our childhood in the moral science textbooks. They are not ‘good’ just because they have been DEFINED to be good. Because they actually make us feel good. Ask yourself, and recount those rare but certain incidents where u actually managed to do something like that. We all want the best so that we get the best paying job, or some job that gives us the biggest challenge. Or which is most interesting to us. Come on……… God has given all of us so much energies and ideas to be of more use than to just ourselves.

Why on earth would we keep on convincing ourselves by saying that we are waiting for the right time. And that would be when we will be settled in life, or when we will be old, having had enough of our near and dear ones, wife, kids, ourselves, our friends? I am the best friend of my best friend u will say. I am always there for him…… for them…… when they are in trouble over fights with there girlfriends, issues with parents, over there careers, over silly thoughts. ARE THEY THE ONCE WHO REALLY NEED YOUR ENERGIES… DO THEY NEED ANYTHING BEYOND THERE OWN MINDS AND BODIES TO WORK FOR THEM?? Why not use your energies on someone or something which really deserves your time and effort. And there is so much around you to do.

How long we keep making a library management system that has been made by 11 out of every 10 software professionals on this earth. Why not make something that is useful to some ONE. Don’t ask me to suggest. If u can’t spend time thinking, then really no point considering doing it. How many of us have not spend hours cribbing about not having a girlfriend or not having the favorite bike and then making resolutions. Why not crib a little about not having made any contribution to this world which would make it a more ideal place to live, for people, who’s lives could be turned around by one small gesture of yours.

U CAN DO MUCH MORE THAN JUST PUT SOME MONEY IN THE CHILD RELIEF FUND OR OTHER CHARITIES …(and that too inspired by the meager saving in the income tax). This I write in the break of the night, as some thought of mine keeps me sleepless. Most probably my mind’s agitation would be mitigated by the early morning walk back to my daily routine to the same old desires. but I hope it doesn’t and hope I can at least convince few of my friends about there or rather OUR wasteful ways.